WE DON'T DO THINGS LIKE THAT
You know that funny woman down the street? She's got those feet
And plays the piano in the pub on Friday nights?
Well, apparently, her mother has a most peculiar brother
Who is rather fond of wearing women's tights.
He was seen last night in Crewe at a most exclusive do,
In a floral cretonne frock and matching hat.
Well, I can't speak for you, but I think that's fine for Crewe
- In Middlewich We Don't Do Things Like That.
And that rather dozy looking little man, who knows your Stan
Has lived in Winsford for a month and won't go home.
His wife is going spare, but he doesn't seem to care;
Well, they get that way when once they start to roam.
And he's shacked up, as they say, with a girl down Wharton way,
And she's only half his age and rents this flat...
Winsford is as Winsford does - but it wouldn't do for us
And In Middlewich We Don't Do Things Like That.
And you must remember Edna's Uncle Fred who knocked his head
One Christmas Eve and fell downstairs when he was slewed?
And was never quite the same? Someone told me that his name
Was in The S*n last week for doing something rude,
It occurred in Stoke-On-Trent, and the judge said he was bent
And he should try to stop behaving like a prat.
Well I think the poor old bloke should have kept away from Stoke
And stayed in Middlewich. We Don't Do Things Like That.
And I've been told that poor old woman Mrs Miles - the one with piles
Who has a daughter who is Not Right In The Head,
Was going frantic yesterday, because the daughter's run away
And now she's living rough in Sandbach, in a shed.
And I think it's very sad. They say she's gone completely mad
And seems to think that she has turned into a cat;
But then that's Sandbach for you dear, and things are rather different here
In dear old Middlewich, We Don't Do Things Like That.
© Dave Roberts/Salt Town Productions 2011
See also: WE DON'T DO THINGS LIKE THAT II THE ADDITIONAL VERSES
In February 2018 WDDTLT, like Winston's New Shoes before it, got the Monologue John treatment at what looks like a fairly lively session at Semitone Studios in Stockport, filmed, to use a time-honoured phrase, before a live studio audience...
This was the first ever posting on THE ODD EXCEPTION on 1st September 2011
First published 1st September 2011 on The Odd Exception.
Published 12th April 2017 on The Queen Street Collection
Amended and re-published 19th February 2018